Monday, November 21, 2011
Is this normal? Am I normal? ... is anyone? (by anon)
I think I might be crazy. I like meeting new people, yet I hate going out to parties where I don't know anyone. I have so many self improving goals set for myself, but I drop the routine and give in to any happiness that takes my mind off everything else in life just so I can pretend I'm happy, which I am in general. I love my life and I say I'm lucky all the time. But my life is full of keeping up with everyone else's expectations but not keeping any promises I make to myself. I say I won't pig out and that I'll exercise, but by the end of the day I'm eating two crunchwrap supremes and my workout plan is forgotten in two days. My addictive personality manipulates me to find any and all pleasure I can. My id, if you will, controls every minute of my life and even though I realize it between my troughs of giving into self destructive behaviors, I always give in. Why? Is it because I have a horrible life? Not at all; I am very well off. Is it because my parents neglected me? No, they're incredibly supportive people. Or is the reason I need to indulge in so much mind altering activities because I feel that I don't belong? I have many friends due to my conformist public behaviors that others view me as acceptable or entertaining. But you wanna know the truth? I can barely stand people. I walk to class on Friday mornings when I hear not even a bird is chirping in the air and I think, "How great would it be if I were the only person on the planet? I would take care of my needs myself. I wouldn't have any responsibilities or duties to fulfill to anyone else. I literally wouldn't have a care in the world." It's when there is no one in sight or sound that I can be truly happy with my thoughts. Smoking and getting drunk makes me happier because I feel like I can relate to people better. Sure, as an evolutionary social creature I like to talk to people, but only in small doses. I have numerous sexual partners and they're all beautiful and gorgeous and they laugh at my jokes and they think I'm smart and nice, but I'm not. I don't think I'm exceptionally smart or funny. I've lied when I told many them I think they're funny or, especially when I say they're smart. Because that's the problem I find with people. Naturally, everyone reasons that their own morals and intellect are better than everyone else's. It's only when we have out-of-body experiences do we accept how none of that is true. I always try to keep this in mind but I can't help but feel that the majority of people I know are just dumb. Now it's important to state here that I don't think everyone is stupid. But I am always... always trying to meet someone as smart as me. That is, I have met few people in my life that have stimulated me enough intellectually. It's funny that I say that now because my mother has said that to me since I was in high school. (mom's always right, right?) That might be why I'm so quick to temper. Or maybe I like to argue or be controversial so much because it's more exciting and it's something different. I used to fight all the time with my parents when I was a teen. Is it because I had lousy parents? No. It's because I didn't. All my friends had parents who were divorced or had affairs or barely remembered their kids birthdays. I envied their dysfunction because I thought it made them deeper somehow. I'm quoting House here, but it's only now that I realize "it's normal to be screwed up. It's really screwed up to romanticize it." So I think I'm nuts because I hide all my problems and stuff from the world. I gotta go to a party that I don't want to go to now so I'll wrap this up. Tell me, where's the line to differentiate being normal crazy and REALLY crazy? Is it when we show people who we really are that we turn out to be crazy? Or am I batshit insane and everyone else really is "normal?"