Monday, November 21, 2011

Is this normal? Am I normal? ... is anyone? (by anon)

I think I might be crazy. I like meeting new people, yet I hate going out to parties where I don't know anyone. I have so many self improving goals set for myself, but I drop the routine and give in to any happiness that takes my mind off everything else in life just so I can pretend I'm happy, which I am in general. I love my life and I say I'm lucky all the time. But my life is full of keeping up with everyone else's expectations but not keeping any promises I make to myself. I say I won't pig out and that I'll exercise, but by the end of the day I'm eating two crunchwrap supremes and my workout plan is forgotten in two days. My addictive personality manipulates me to find any and all pleasure I can. My id, if you will, controls every minute of my life and even though I realize it between my troughs of giving into self destructive behaviors, I always give in. Why? Is it because I have a horrible life? Not at all; I am very well off. Is it because my parents neglected me? No, they're incredibly supportive people. Or is the reason I need to indulge in so much mind altering activities because I feel that I don't belong? I have many friends due to my conformist public behaviors that others view me as acceptable or entertaining. But you wanna know the truth? I can barely stand people. I walk to class on Friday mornings when I hear not even a bird is chirping in the air and I think, "How great would it be if I were the only person on the planet? I would take care of my needs myself. I wouldn't have any responsibilities or duties to fulfill to anyone else. I literally wouldn't have a care in the world." It's when there is no one in sight or sound that I can be truly happy with my thoughts. Smoking and getting drunk makes me happier because I feel like I can relate to people better. Sure, as an evolutionary social creature I like to talk to people, but only in small doses. I have numerous sexual partners and they're all beautiful and gorgeous and they laugh at my jokes and they think I'm smart and nice, but I'm not. I don't think I'm exceptionally smart or funny. I've lied when I told many them I think they're funny or, especially when I say they're smart. Because that's the problem I find with people. Naturally, everyone reasons that their own morals and intellect are better than everyone else's. It's only when we have out-of-body experiences do we accept how none of that is true. I always try to keep this in mind but I can't help but feel that the majority of people I know are just dumb. Now it's important to state here that I don't think everyone is stupid. But I am always... always trying to meet someone as smart as me. That is, I have met few people in my life that have stimulated me enough intellectually. It's funny that I say that now because my mother has said that to me since I was in high school. (mom's always right, right?) That might be why I'm so quick to temper. Or maybe I like to argue or be controversial so much because it's more exciting and it's something different. I used to fight all the time with my parents when I was a teen. Is it because I had lousy parents? No. It's because I didn't. All my friends had parents who were divorced or had affairs or barely remembered their kids birthdays. I envied their dysfunction because I thought it made them deeper somehow. I'm quoting House here, but it's only now that I realize "it's normal to be screwed up. It's really screwed up to romanticize it." So I think I'm nuts because I hide all my problems and stuff from the world. I gotta go to a party that I don't want to go to now so I'll wrap this up. Tell me, where's the line to differentiate being normal crazy and REALLY crazy? Is it when we show people who we really are that we turn out to be crazy? Or am I batshit insane and everyone else really is "normal?"

16 comments:

  1. for the record, I'm smarter than you

    so

    yeah just getting that out there

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  2. also I have a feeling that this post was written specifically to be generic enough to apply to a significant portion of its readers

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  3. I would say you are not crazy. I tend to feel the same way about people, self-discipline, and the desire for a more "dysfunctional" life..
    When it comes to people and self-discipline, you sound like somewhat of an aesthetic... you enjoy meeting new people, but realizing how stupid they are, you are quick to move on, and you maybe live moment to moment which makes it difficult to commit to long term goals (just a speculation).
    When it comes to the last thing, I think there's something to that... And I wouldn't use the word "romanticize". I would say that maybe you realize how little suffering you have in your life, and it sickens you... I think it was Nietzsche who said that our minds grow through suffering, or something like that.
    I don't know. Maybe this will help.
    In any case, you are not alone.

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  4. Well, fellow anonymous, a lot of that makes ridiculous sense to me and I'm happy to see others are dealing with the same inward contradictions as I am.
    And "girl," I don't suppose you can add any substance to your comments, could you? This is critically pissed and I believe a big part of it is critical thinking. Simply saying 'I'm smarter than you' is pretty pretentious. Consider any deep self contemplation or, perhaps, the motivations to consider the reasoning you think that way. And this was actually just a portion of my mind blabbering and turning in on itself in examination and close personal reflection.

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  5. You are exactly where I was two years ago. I can't begin to explain everything, definetely not in a blog. These things or ideas can't be taught, they have to be learned and the only teacher can be yourself. Which is the general theme: YOURSELF. I'll just point you in the direction, but it is up to you to pursue it. 3 books and its up for you to decide what values you want to take from them To Kill a Mocking Bird, Fight Club, and The Fountainhead. I can tell you that I'm extremly happy and no longer suffer from what plagues you. Be warned a lot of people will not like this way of thinking. Misery loves company. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

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  6. Whatever happened to the thought that there is always someone smarter than another? I'm no schlep, but I constantly remind myself that there are plenty smarter people than I. I call it a healthy dose of humility.

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  7. The Fountainhead????????????? You mean horseshit dribble written by a egomaniac psychopath. There's a reason why not many people like that thinking. It's stupid.

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  8. 5:56 You grabbed one thing I said and attack the author onee book. Just to be clear you don't have to agree with everything in a book to think it is useful as well as you don't have to have to agree with everything an author has written. Furthermore the way of thinking is thinking for yourself instead of thinking what other people tell you to think. You obiviously didn't come to the conclusion that the author was an egomanic psychopath by yourself. Most people don't like it when you don't except every word they say, definetely not people in authority. People want you to be like them and if their unhappy they will mostly try to make you unhappy. Hater are gonna hate. But, this was for the poster who named a ton of the things I was stuggling with and I thought it might help him. I think its every man or woman's right to be happy. This right is not given, it is made by the individual. That's how someone can be surrounded by good, happy, and nice things or people and not be happy.

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  9. Girl, I am more intelligent than you, then. See how stuck up and retarded that sounds?

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  10. no jango, that nuance was lost on me

    thanks for that

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  11. So then, you agree and accept that I am smarter than you if you do not believe yourself to be a pretentious, stuck up, idiot. Alright, that makes perfect sense.

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  12. mostly I was laughing at you for taking my playful comment seriously enough to apparently take legitimate offense at it

    but your explanation works too

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  13. More from Whitewater's finest,

    LOL

    The poster indicated that he or she is always trying to meet someone as smart as themselves but this is Whitewater, sort of like trying to find an African American at a Klan meeting.

    LOL

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  14. 6:55..
    You shouldn't talk. The logic behind your analogy is so flawed (despite it was just a lame attempt at a joke), my cats could reason better than you (now that was a joke).

    Let me clarify.
    You say, basically, that the likelihood of finding someone as smart as oneself, here in Whitewater (the town or the University? I'm not sure due to your ambiguous use of the name "Whitewater") is similar to that of finding an African American at a Klan meeting. This makes no sense and you really sound no smarter than the rest of "Whitewater's finest" (those stupid people you seem to be referring to).

    Let me clarify more, for your lack of intelligence. You're basically saying that someone from/in Whitewater (town and/or university) will most likely not find someone else as smart as him/herself.

    I can't tell if you agree with the O.P. or not.
    You criticize, yet basically agree. You claim that any one person here (assuming this is including yourself, assuming you live in Whitewater as well) is going to be smarter than a vast majority here, if not all of everyone else in Whitewater (clearly irrational).

    So either you consider yourself one of these few smart people (even more irrational), or you're just as stupid as the rest of us (and you're criticizing yourself, and speaking falsely for others).

    So, you agree with the O.P., you say we're all fucking stupid, or you are another arrogant moron and fancy yourself the smartest one around.

    Whatever it is you are, I don't really care, but I do believe you are making a fool of yourself. Regardless of what you think, your comments don't reflect a deep thinker. And no, this is not Mr. Nutjob, but he is starting to be convincing these days...

    Anyway, carry on mindlessly typing out your surface level, non-critical, sophomoric, idiotic opinions. I'm really interested.

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  15. 2:42
    The writer is simply commenting a personal problem in their love life - not about meeting people to have an intelligent discussion with, but an issue with having someone stimulating both romantically and intellectually it seems. I feel those are the two ways people actually connect with each other. Romantically covers emotional needs and a shared intellectual interest holds their attention to that person in a more human way than our instinctual desire for companionship in every meaning of the word (friends/lovers).
    I'd say it's a common issue, but what can one do besides wait? And besides not giving up? Who knows? It's part of the human journey.

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