My fellow Wisconsinites,
I feel liberated today as I finally found the courage to trounce upon the liberties of others. In a nation that extols the freedom of personhood and the pursuit of happiness, I celebrate in exercising those foundational pillars myself to take them away from a select group of people, a sub-class if you will, the gay people.
You see, late last Friday, I told a judge to stop defending Wisconsin's domestic partner registry in court. I did so because I believe it is unconstitutional. It grants too many privileges to same-sex couples like the right to visit each other in hospitals, make end-of-life decisions, and inherit each other’s property. Those privileges look a lot like the privileges that go along with heterosexual marriage, and as we all know, gay marriage goes against our Wisconsin State Constitution. That is why I firmly believe that such privileges to same-sex couples are unconstitutional.
With that being said, some might object that I represent gay people too and that I should be out for their best interests and what is right, regardless of what constitutions say. Touché! Well played. But this is where it gets sticky. You see, you’re right. I’m just using the constitution to get my way without saying what I really think. Constitutions were never meant to be rock-binding. They are changeable. For heaven’s sake, look at all of our amendments! I could simply fight to change the constitution to include same-sex partner rights (even allow same-sex marriage) by throwing in some amendments. Or I could continue what Gov. Doyle did and just allow the domestic partner registry to be defended in court. But [and now I’ll use my warm, comforting tone in a hushed murmur] I’ll tell you the truth. I don’t like gay people. Never have, never will.
Gay people have a lot going for them. They eat like you and I. They also sleep, talk, walk, run, write, read, work, wear clothes, own property, listen to music, go to school, have friends, dance, have preferences, fall in love, get hurt, have fun, and much much more just like you and I. On the surface, they look and act like absolutely normal people. But they aren’t. You see, when it comes to those private times when no one should really care about what one does, they like to play with private parts that are the same as their own. Oh my god, how gross! Can you believe that?!?!? Well, I know that I shouldn’t care about that, but I can’t help it. If I see someone on the street, I think to myself, “I want that person to play with DIFFERENT private parts!” Why? Because I am that self-centered to think that everyone should do just as I do. And if they don’t do that, then they will not get certain privileges. I will muscle my way into their lives and take all that I can away from them. I don’t want people to be different from me. I want them to be the same no matter the cost or hurt to them. In fact, I feel so strongly about imposing my own egotistical beliefs upon others that next week I’m going to propose legislation to take away all rights of brussel sprout eaters. They are so gross! That is why anyone who eats them will have to leave the state to do so.
Others of you might say that getting rid of the domestic partner registry is just a way to pander to my conservative base. I can see why you would say that, but in the end, I really admire the hatred of gay people from my fellow conservatives. We just happily coincide on this issue. I just love it when an issue that should be nothing more than trivial can move an enormously huge proportion of the electorate. But it’s not trivial! It is one the most important issues of our lifetime. Nay, the history of the world! The moral fabric of our society is ripping at the seams, and I anoint myself as the hero to save the world, or at least our state. Pandering to my base…like I would even consider that…
I hate gay people. It feels so good to get that off my chest and let you know exactly why I told the judge to stop defending the domestic partner registry in court.
Your absolutely humble and straight servant,