AMERICA, THERE IS A NEW THREAT TO MARRIAGE!
(And it won't be solved by clearing out your web browser.)
There is a gay storm coming! And before long, the winds will be blowing each other. We know it's completely unethical for two men to lie in bed together! Already, states have legalized same-sex marriage. It's like saying there's no such thing as gay marriage; there's only marriage. Why can't we go back to the good old days where marriage was between a man, a woman, and an emperor's club hooker? Our American forefathers wanted to establish religious principles as the basis of government! Had they not, wacko theories of evolution would be running rampant! Do we really want our public schools teaching children unverified theories? Like chemistry? Or Gravity? We should take those physics professors and throw them off a cliff! We'll prove to them that it's God blowing down on top of us from Heaven that keeps us from floating off the floor! People should just ACCEPT that God made the world 6000 years ago, exactly as is, and 4000 years later proclaimed that only Christians should run everyone else's lives so that they persuade God that Earth isn't so bad and he doesn't need to flood the Earth and kill us all.. again.
Some day all true believers will be thrust into heaven to suckle the almighty heterosexual nipple. Now, America, by true believers, of course I mean Christians only. We can die assured that only WE get into that private party. We know that the rippled bouncer at the Pearly Gates will only be stamping the hands of those of us who have our secret baptismal identification cards. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are always imposed on the entire country. That's why we only have one religion in the U.S. Remember, America! When the gay community is granted personal freedoms, our gets taken away! How?! My church used to be a typical, quiet, place to talk to talk to myself. Now, it's an Abercrombie n Fitch retail store! It's ArmaGAYden! Who knows what tastefully arranged destruction awaits us?
"Reverend Pat Robertson says that if more states legalize gay marriage, God will destroy America. He did say that afterwards, gays will come in and do a beautiful renovation." - Conan O'Brien. In a surprising difference of opinion, Dick Cheney says he supports same sex marriage because marriage qualifies as a form of torture.
DON'T GET ME WRONG THOUGH! I LIKE gay people, but only as best friends on T.V. and in movies. America, my point is: Gay is defined as happy. If they're allowed to be miserable, what hope do any of their single gal pals have? Single girls wouldn't go out to clubs and men would be slipping rufees into their wingman's drink leading to a very awkward breakfast for one man and a very painfully uncomfortable breakfast for the other. If Will was married, Grace would have no character development and America would lose it's most influential television show therefore making our wives go out of the kitchen to tell us how their day was leading to A MUCH HIGHER increase in divorces. And the only thing worse than a man and a woman agreeing to change their mind is letting two men agreeing to make theirs up.
America, heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile couples and old people cannot get legally married because the world needs more children. Besides, kids can never succeed without both male and female role models at home. That's why single parents are forbidden to raise children. And obviously gay parents will raise gay children because straight parents only raise straight children. Legalizing gay marriage will encourage people to be gay in the same way that hanging around tall people makes you tall. I'm not saying being gay is immoral! Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name are better, because a "separate but equal" institution is always constitutional. Separate schools for African-Americans worked just as well as separate marriages will for gays & lesbians.
America! We need to force people to hear the truth! That is the word of our lord and savior, Mel Gibson.