Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Listen to me bitch about how I hate nightclubs (by Rant)

If you’ve been to a night club in one city, you’ve been to a nightclub in every city.  I just got back from a pub crawl featuring some of the hottest, excessively riddled with human beings floors in the entire world, and I can still say that after traveling to the (party capital of the world?), it’s the same exact thing and if anything more packed. Fuck yeah, come to London where you can be smashed into a tiny room with music guaranteed to be playing at volumes so loud that you won’t be able to hold a meaningful conversation for more than 14 seconds. 

Now I didn’t write this simply to bitch about what most people would give an arm and a leg to experience (although I’ll never accept why). I wrote this because I want people to understand that that for a large percentage of people, nightclubs are fucking stupid. Don't get me wrong, it was awesome to see firsthand the Friday night scene in London, to wander home drunk with the group, enjoy a delicious sausage from an unmarked street vendor (quite possibly an angel?) at 1 in the morning.. I loved tonight, but the one thing it did the most was to reaffirm my belief that nightclubs/dance bars are really fucking overrated FOR PEOPLE WHO DON’T LIKE DANCING AT CLUBS.  I can totally appreciate people who love to express themselves through dancing. However, I can have just as meaningful and spiritual of an experience listening to music sitting in a computer chair by myself at 3 PM.  

Unfortunately for young people like me, we often feel as if we are in the minority, a feeling that usually appears during trips to business places of social gathering (bars, clubs) blasting Billboard Hot 100 music at volumes only warranted by hearing aid safety experiments. Want to have a conversation with a good friend or acquaintance over a fine alcoholic beverage?  Tough shit, bitch.  Either get your ass to dancing or drink your beer in the corner with the rest of the dissenters. 

Now for many of you, the natural thing would be to tell me, “If you hate clubs so much then you don’t have to go to them, you whiny little bitch.” But that’s just the thing. As young people aged 21 (or 18 in Europe’s case) to 30ish, clubs are the default destination for them to wander over to on a Friday night.  But at every bar I’ve been to, I see TONS of people scattered around the perimeter of these clubs and bars looking COMPLETELY out of their element. At the very least these people would be better off in a quieter area, perhaps having some drinks in a place where they can hear each other talk without screaming across the 1.5 feet separating you and your buddy. We’ve let ourselves be taken over by this culture of nightclubs, where you’re expected to wriggle around in a sweaty b.o. sauna-pit of half-zombified humans (Well, if they had anything worthwhile to say I sure as hell couldn’t hear it).

I’m all for being social, but let’s try to put some fucking thought into it. So, basically, All I’m saying is when it comes to social get-togethers, the default choice shouldn’t have to be sweaty b.o. sauna bits filled with half-zombified humanoids.   

/ Rant.


  1. I can agree with your bit about wanting to go a bar and having dance/club and R&B blasted at you at deafening levels. At many BARS ( not clubs!) here in Whitewater if you try to partake in some of their better specials they will crank their music even if they have NO DANCE FLOOR. A good example of this is Fat Jacks. On Saturday night they have a 5 dollar for a rail pitcher special. As a fan of screwdrivers I will sometimes come in with a few friends to take advantage of having a few pitchers and going home. But, nope we got loud music in this crowed bar and you don't get to talk here.

    So, when I do actually get a chance to go out and have a few with friends I have to go during that 5-7 period where you MAY be lucky to have a happy hour beer special. If you wait until 9pm at any bar in this town, everything changes.

    My moral of the story is that if you want pleasant conversation well enjoying a few drinks and care to leave your hearing intact, mix at home.

    Prof. Chaos

  2. Amen! I never understood why so many find (most) bars and clubs appealing. I usually feel completely out of place in them. I’ve yet to fully articulate or enumerate the reasons why. (I must exclude from this consideration clubs such as Buddy Guy’s Legends in Chicago, wherein I’ve always felt comfortable. The food mightn’t be fantastic, but the music and people are!) I will say the following, however: The “virtues” many bars and nightclubs are said to possess in fact are possessed by other venues - and in far greater measure. And don’t get me started on what passes for dancing in modern bars and clubs. To me, it more nearly resembles undisciplined gyration.

  3. Love the post. When I think about how much I hate night clubs (I love dancing mind you, ball room that is), I remember a girl I met through a group of friends. We were all walking in the city and making a decision on which night club to go to. Not wanting to be a spoil sport I decided to put up with it. A club had been decided and as we turned a particular corner, this girl kept walking straight. They all asked her "Hey what are you doing?" She said, "I fucking hate night clubs I'm going to a quiet cafe, have fun." What a fucking legend I thought. Ever since then when my friends have decided to turn a night after a restaurant into a club hunting exercise I just say "You go ahead, I hate fucking hate night clubs" and I go for a nice walk. Without fail there has always been at least one person who says "I'll join you."

  4. Thank you for this post. I am so glad there are other people speaking the truth about nightclubs openly. If you are young it doesn't mean you aren't cool enoguh if you don't hang around or enjoy nightclubs. There are more constructive ways of socializing and connecting with people on a meaningful and fun level. Thank you again.

  5. If someone tells you "don't go if yo so dislike nightclubs", you could reply with - "don't read my blog if you so dislike my opinion".
    Seriously, there is need peoples like us to know they are not the alone, so they shouldn't allow to be belittled because of it.