A philosopher once said "Why do anything when our ultimate destination is death." I'm beginning to agree with this. It is so fucking hard waking up everyday at this point. I'm in extreme pain over my present life circumstances (not to the point where I'm suicidal so don't worry). Every day throughout my life I've lived alone by myself. During grade school and high school I was placed in a special behavioral school that promoted coping skills since I had very weak ones. Placement in an alternate education has adversely effected my social skills emotional regulation and probably what other potential I've had as well. College for me has been not only been the most miserable time but also a very lonely time. I have not made any friends. At times I go to the library just to randomly talk to people because I crave conversation and human contact which has definitely been withheld from me. Whitewater students are such stuck up pieces of shit that they are offended when I try to initiate small talk. It has literally been high school transplanted all over again. Nothing has changed. Whether I get a degree or not that is more or less not helpful at all.... and i'm experiencing this now as a senior. Something fundamental in my quirky personality has no place in American Society. Its affecting my psyche, my ability to think and my ability to concentrate in class... I'm getting extremely agitated, my attention span is dropping and I'm sick of the routine. It is overwhelming, it's cruel and it hurts me because I'm a human being just like you.
Oh, and I gained about 20 lbs so it is getting harder and harder to fit in my clothes.Graduation is nye but I've lost the perfection, a mess without worlds... everything seems so meaningless. I just want to sleep all day and wait until the day death comes. This guilt, emotional baggage has made it such that I am turning into a true cynic and misanthrope. Are human beings this cruel? Or is it just whitewater college kids? I don't understand modern academia.
I honestly thought that something would change. It looks like my life is headed towards further despair and even more loneliness. I've tried really hard to pour my heart and soul on to other people. I've maybe met one or two older students who have acknowledged my existence. The rest of the community probably chuckles at me.