Thursday, October 27, 2011

Loneliness (by anon)

A philosopher once said "Why do anything when our ultimate destination is death." I'm beginning to agree with this. It is so fucking hard waking up everyday at this point. I'm in extreme pain over my present life circumstances (not to the point where I'm suicidal so don't worry). Every day throughout my life I've lived alone by myself. During grade school and high school I was placed in a special behavioral school that promoted coping skills since I had very weak ones. Placement in an alternate education has adversely effected my social skills emotional regulation and probably what other potential I've had as well. College for me has been not only been the most miserable time but also a very lonely time. I have not made any friends. At times I go to the library just to randomly talk to people because I crave conversation and human contact which has definitely been withheld from me. Whitewater students are such stuck up pieces of shit that they are offended when I try to initiate small talk. It has literally been high school transplanted all over again. Nothing has changed. Whether I get a degree or not that is more or less not helpful at all.... and i'm experiencing this now as a senior. Something fundamental in my quirky personality has no place in American Society. Its affecting my psyche, my ability to think and my ability to concentrate in class... I'm getting extremely agitated, my attention span is dropping and I'm sick of the routine. It is overwhelming, it's cruel and it hurts me because I'm a human being just like you.

Oh, and I gained about 20 lbs so it is getting harder and harder to fit in my clothes.Graduation is nye but I've lost the perfection, a mess without worlds... everything seems so meaningless. I just want to sleep all day and wait until the day death comes. This guilt, emotional baggage has made it such that I am turning into a true cynic and misanthrope. Are human beings this cruel? Or is it just whitewater college kids? I don't understand modern academia.

I honestly thought that something would change. It looks like my life is headed towards further despair and even more loneliness. I've tried really hard to pour my heart and soul on to other people. I've maybe met one or two older students who have acknowledged my existence. The rest of the community probably chuckles at me.


  1. I don't know what to say.

  2. My sad friend,

    You are not the first person visited by the black dog, Winston Churchill's term for despair and depression. President Lincoln, Martin Luther King, Gandhi and many more suffers from it.

    Here are a few tips that may help keep the black dog at bay.

    First, get out of that damn bed and go to the gym. Move more, work out, walk, do something physical. Exercise makes us feel better.

    Second, if possible, consider getting a pet. They will give you unconditional love and they do not ask much in return, two square meals a day and a nice walk.

    Next, consider volunteering. Giving something or doing for others always makes us feel better about ourselves.

    Monitor your diet. Certain foods are not good for your moods. Certain vitamins help regulate mood swings. Read up on vitamins. Consider going to the doctor to determine if you may have a vitamin deficiency.

    Do something nice for yourself. Take yourself to dinner, or to the movies, go to a spa, or get a massage.

    My final advice is curl up with a good book. Some of my friends do not even exist. They are characters in novels.

    By the way, I have signed up for the travel study course to Paris. I have been told that there is still room. So consider signing up for either this course or another one. You will meet other students, travel to Paris or to another country and have a damn good time. See you in Paris.

    Finally, do not be afraid to go see a mental health professional. Besides you made need medication.

    These are just a few ideas! Don't give up.

  3. I agree with 10:02.
    I've experienced similar feelings as you, so for one, you're not alone.
    People with these feelings seem to go unnoticed, and unless someone says they're going to commit suicide, people don't seem to care.
    But you know what? A lot of people suck (I've noticed a lot around this campus as well) and they're not worth being friends with anyway.
    Sometimes all you need is a good cat to replace almost everyone in the world.
    And if I could add to 10:02's advice - pick up a hobby or something. Learn to play an instrument, sew a scarf, go hiking, grow indoor plants, learn about dream interpretation online, take a cooking class, go play racquetball at the Williams center (you don't really need a partner for this even), or do whatever... there are a lot of hobbies to choose from out there to keep one occupied. Mostly - always stay active, whether your just doing crossword puzzles or riding a bike. Never resort to just lying around, even if that's what you feel like doing most. You'll only feel worse by doing that, and it'll be harder everyday to actually do something, and before you know it, you're life will be near the end (even though you're waiting for death - you might as well enjoy life while you wait - but if you never leave the waiting room of old magazines and uncomfortable chairs, you'll never be happy with life).

  4. Hi Anonymous.

    Please call me, email me or set up a time that we can talk. There are lots of options to help you feel less lonely and I'd love to discuss them with you. You can call me at 472-1533, email at or stop by in Hyer 200. You're not alone and there really are lots of good people here.

    Mary Beth Mackin
    Dean of Students

  5. You are loved, don't ever forget that. You may not want to hear it or may not believe in it, but God LOVES you. He loves you so much. He always has and He always will. You might think it's silly or ridiculous, but if you ever want to learn more about it or at least give it a try and see what God can really do for you please email me at Or if you just want someone to talk to and listen to you you can email me too. We don't have to talk about God at all if you don't want to. I am so not trying to push anything on you, I just know what He has done for me in my life (and I haven't gone though easy stuff, rape/depression/anxiety for instance) and this unconditional, overwhelming love has just consumed me and has changed my life for the so much better. I just want to show you the same kind of unconditional, overwhelming love (whether you choose to seek God or not) I have been shown and maybe help you to experience it yourself if you are open. No matter what you are absolutely never alone. There are plenty of professionals on campus you could look to for help. Anon 10:02 gave some wonderful advice too! I hope all the responses to this have showed you that you are loved and cared for by people who may not even know you. I hope you are able to feel that love also (I know how hard it is to feel anything when you are so down). Please, don't hesitate to reach out to me if you like what I said, hate what I said, are unsure of what I said, anything. I really hope that you start to feel better and see the true beauty and gift that life is and that you realize your worth in this world because you are worth soooo much!!

  6. Well, I will be damned. People on this blog have human emotions? I never thought I would see the day.

  7. Uh, what would make you think we didn't have human emotions???????

  8. If you need a friend send me an email and let's hang out tonight.