Sometimes truth is far stranger than fiction. The Wilmington City Council is urging the Delaware legislature, as well as all US legislatures, to grant personhood rights to sperm. They just passed the resolution on March 1st (8 votes to 4 votes), and here are a couple of the ‘wherases’,
“WHEREAS, each ‘egg person’ and each ‘sperm person’ should be deemed equal in the eyes of the government and be subject to the same laws and regulations as any other dependent minor, and be protected against abuse, neglect, or abandonment by their parent or guardian; and
WHEREAS, laws should be enacted by all legislative bodies in the United States to promote equal representation, and should potentially include laws in defense of ‘personhood’, forbidding every man from destroying his semen.”
Well, shit, I’m screwed. I had sex the other night and I’m pretty sure a baby didn’t result out of that experience. Greater than 20 million of my sperm died a horrible death, without me to comfort them, without a shoulder to cry on, without even a single piggy-back ride. Crap, just think about that. If that resolution becomes law, I’d be responsible for killing more than the number of all the deaths from the Holocaust. I’d be one hell of a serial killer! In just one night! At least I didn’t kill as many as Stalin – that would require two nights of “un-reproductive” sex. Shit. Oh wait, it wouldn’t matter if it was unreproductive or reproductive sex! Reproductive sex only saves ONE spermy person. Double shit. Over the past week then, I’ve probably killed more than Stalin and Hitler combined, and all without saving even one! I’m going to get life in prison or most likely the death penalty. All those spermy people…
This doesn’t even touch on masturbation! Nuff said? Or should I continue. Yea, why not – you whackers out there have committed genocide like there is no other. Your kleenex tissues are mass graves that will be used as evidence to prove your serial killer asses deserve the slammer. Just no more killing in jail either, k?
But here’s the rub (har har, I made a pun). If that asinine resolution somehow becomes law, EVERY male will end up going to jail. EVERY SINGLE ONE, unless the guy doesn’t produce any sperm, ever. You see, you kill sperm when:
a. you masturbate
b. you have sex without reproduction
c. you have sex with reproduction
d. you have a wet dream (involuntary manslaughter?)
e. you don’t “release” your sperm from your own body in 74 days. That is the life span of a sperm. Technically, I guess this wouldn’t be “killing.” Rather it would be “letting die,” but if you are going to “let die” millions of people, that would be damnable negligence. You’re going to jail anyway buddy.
Thus, sooner or later, you’re gonna be killing those defenseless little spermy people. Even if you get your tubes tied, you’ll still have little spermy people dying inside of you. It seems the only way to stop killing sperm is to lop off your nuts! But, alas, you’ll kill many sperm doing that too as many sperm would still be in the “factory,” at least if you are past puberty To save yourself truly, a boy would have to get his testes removed before he hit puberty when the sperm starts being produced. And, I’m sorry, that just ain’t going to happen.
Yes, this is all just bat-shit. Call it one of the most ridiculous resolutions ever passed. It’s a resolution that, if made into law, eleven of the Wilmington City Council members themselves would have to be arrested immediately since they’re males. I’d call that a reductio ad absurdum! “Hey guys, let’s try and get a law passed that would even send us right to jail! Sound like a good plan?” Maybe someone should have killed the sperms that helped produce those council people and replaced them with smarter ones.
On the (Im)Practicality of Saving Sperm and Calling Them Persons
There is actually another way to save all of one’s sperm besides lopping off one’s balls before puberty. Once puberty hits, all a guy would have to do is “release” his sperm every 73 days into some freezable container and freeze them. Just put those peeps on ice! That way, none would die, all would be safe in frozen limbo. Yes, that means one could never have sex since that would entail the deaths of millions…and that's kind of a big bummer.
I figure we could set up spermy hotel freezers with catchy names like Sperming Heights Hotel, Sperm Lake Inn, Hotel NoFux, Big Dick’s Halfway Hotel, and Lose No Load Motel. These would all have to be liquid nitrogen freezers so that the spermy persons are assured “solid” care.
But here’s the tricky part, if these little guys are to enjoy all the “same laws and regulations as any other dependent minor, and be protected against abuse, neglect, or abandonment by their parent or guardian,” then they will all have to be named. If one dies, that sperm will have to be represented in a court of law for any prosecution to happen, right? If a sperm is a person, the person must be named, even if the name is only a catalog identification. You might think this is crazy (well, it is!), but this is one of the consequences if such a law were enacted. Thus, to avoid jail, we would literally spend the rest of our lives naming all those spermy people unless we found a fancy-dancy automated way to name them. But that doesn’t even take into consideration the virtual impossibility of separating out our millions of individual darlings from the frozen mass.
The point of all this is to ask: why are our politicians getting so stupid? Is it too much to ask for a little sanity?